Wednesday, May 23, 2007

We're all winners, though,aren't we?

Here it is, folks...

Ladies and Gentlemen, this fall, I will begin my tour of tiny venues, and it shall be called:

The Su Casa es Mi Casa tour.

Congratulations to Heather Hendrick. Who knew that all my funny dude friends would get beat by a chick?

Why did I pick Heather's entry? First of all, it's multicultural and, as many of you know, that kind of stuff is mucho importante (very important) to me (me). Red, yellow, black, white. They truly are all precious in His sight. Can I get an "amen"? Second, it speaks to the heart of my intentions for this tour. I will absolutely make myself at home in the houses (casas) of my fans. Thirdly, it doesn't have anything to do with toilets. Truth be told, "the bathroom's down the hall" was my favorite entry (and will probably find its way onto a t-shirt or coffee mug at some point), but toilets seem to make people feel uncomfortable (I will skip the obvious joke here). Heather didn't talk about toilets, and that was big for her in the end.

"Everybody Back Up" almost won as well, just because it sounds like something I'd actually say to people sitting close to me. But I was afraid such a statement might cause trouble later. I mean, in crowded living rooms, a lamp or vase might be behind somebody and, in simply heeding the statement, a young fan might back up right into something breakable. That's just a lawsuit waiting to happen. I do pretty good with lawsuits, historically speaking, but they are never fun.

"Ross Who?" is perhaps the most sincere of all the ideas. I mean, I actually think that Lance guy just showed up here at this site and, seeing a contest with prizes, decided to enter. I'm pretty sure he really didn't know who I was (and still doesn't). That kind of brutal, gut-level honesty almost won him a major, highly coveted award. But I was afraid that if that motto got onto a t-shirt, it might turn into the independent music equivalent of that "who's on first" sketch that Laurel and Hardy used to do. Here's how it might go down:

Ross King fan proudly wears "ross who?" tour shirt. Legimately confused onlooker approaches Ross King fan with bewildered look on face.
Onlooker: "Ross who?"
Fan: "Yep"
Onlooker: "What?"
Fan: "What?"
Onlooker: "Ross who?"
Fan: "Yes. Ross Who."
Onlooker: "That's what I'm asking you: ross who?"
Fan: "Uh huh"
Onlooker: "Don't get smart with me, buddy."
Fan: "Er..."
Onlooker: "Huh?"
Fan: "What"
Onlooker: "Ross who?"
Fan: "Exactly."

I think after that, violence would ensue. And probably nobody would get saved.

Finally, "Ross King Sings on Couches," though it received the most votes, did not win, simply because it's not really a comprehensive statement with regard to the placement of my behind at upcoming concerts. I will sit on couches. It's true. But I will probably sit on chairs, ottomans (or ottomen, possibly), love seats, and many other manner of living room furniture as well. Todd suffered from this kind of "incorrectness" in several of his entries. For example, I really don't know more chords now. He gave me too much credit. And he didn't give enough credit to non-sofa seating. Very close-minded. Not very multicultural (no bueno).

So that's that. It's over. Does that mean people will stop coming to the blog? Or did they already stop? Hello? Anyone?

Anyway, thanks everybody.

Now that this business is over, I'm thinking of posting some actual info on the tour and the album. But not tonight.


thad said...

First, I am satisfied. You have publicly appeased me, which, along with the cash you promised me (cleverly disguised as an email from Mrs. Elena Dubuq, the widow of a rich African farmer needing to channel his money across the Atlantic - clever cover), is all I really hoped for in this deal.

Second, re: ...toilets seem to make people feel uncomfortable.

One of the longest standing disagreements between me and Amy has to do with the comfort of the toilet seat. I am a proponent of the padded seat, never mind style. She finds this repulsive. How we're still married after 7+ years, who can say? All I know is that I'll take whatever comfort I can get from any surface on which I'm expected to sit naked, and I'm uncertain of both the sanity and salvation of anyone who would oppose such logic.

I assume you can work that little bit into your house show routine - you know, around the time you tell people that the bathroom is down the hall. Or I can use it in my stand up act when I open for you in living rooms across the fruited plain.

And that is all.

Also, I approve of Su Casa es Mi Casa and agree that it is the most universal and accessible of the five finalists.

Robert Conn said...

Forget the winner. Did Thad just admit to being a fan of the padded toilet seat? Come on Thad, we all know those are for cheap gas station bathrooms and churches built in the 60s. The plastic cracks and reeks all kinds of havoc on the body. Not to mention the padding itself. No…No, give me a solid porcelain any day.

thad said...

Robert, please don't spoil my bit with facts.

Unknown said...

1st definitely not last time to check the blog :)
just missed the contest!
but I really like & have actually pun'd the spin on Mi Casa es Su Casa.

happy blogging!

Hendrick Family said...

I won! Holy cow! I never win anything! Really! Nothing! Except once...and it had to do with Sonic...and really, that was the highlight of my life and I never aspired to win anything else the rest of my life.

And we want our casa to be your casa during this tour. Can you rap though? That would be a huge hit in our neighborhood.

I'll get you some bling bling and you work on converting your songs to rap, and teaching Staci to dance like a fly girl and this will be the best home show ever.


King Family said...

Yeah Heather. Congrats on winning. We will most definitely come to su casa. How did you know about my secret fantasy to be a back-up dancer? Hmmm.

thad said...

Um, Ross, Heather just asked if you can rap.

Game. On.

King Family said...

Oh, and Thad, padded toilet seats...oooooey gross.

Todd Wright said...

That Lufkin gig is so cancelled, now.

Todd Wright said...

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you wanted people to VOTE on this suggestions....apparently getting the most votes still doesn't win. Mmmm....

How Republican of you, RSK.

thad said...

For the record, I only favor quality padded seats (these do exist) in my private quarters. I do not wish to share them with the unwashed masses.

That said, your resistance only makes the movement stronger.

Mr. Douglass said...

i offer no resistance to thad's strong movements be they on a padded seat or otherwise

PawPaw said...

Just a quick note to point out that Laurel and Hardy did not do the "Who's on first?" gig. It was done by a later comedy team called Abbott and Costello. Wouldn't expect you to know that because of your age, but we need to keep our blogs accurate.