Thursday, July 31, 2008

In the "I'm not famous but my song almost is" category...

I present you with this.

A "fan" sent me the link not long ago. The video is nicely done, which is a bonus (the sidebar on youtube revealed a couple of less impressive efforts, which I won't link to out of respect for the well-intentioned-but-not-very-talented among us). But more interesting than that was the number of views. Something in the realm of 21,000 and change. That seems sort of significant, I think.

In classic "Ross King's Career is So Sad" fashion, there's absolutely no mention whatsoever of me, my website, or any other way to throw money or fame my way.

This could easily lead into a longer story -- one which I used to recite to myself daily, making me extremely bitter, and now it only makes me a tiny bit bitter -- about all the times in my life that this kind of thing has happened. Some of these could possibly even be qualified as RBT stories, because they are so ridiculous and yet so true.

A few of these stories might have titles such as:

That Time I Met The Most Successful CCM Producer in The World in the SkyCap Line, Gave Him One of My CD's, and Never Heard From Him Again Because He Was So Unimpressed

That Time That I Led Worship For the Largest College Bible Study in The History of America, And After 5 Years Most People Still Knew Me Only As "That Stuttering Guy Who Plays Acoustical Guitar for that Band That Shane Barnard's Drummer is In, and By The Way, Shane Strums Way Faster Than That Guy"

or maybe
That Time I Wrote Lots of Songs With a Guy for Several Years, and Now He's the Most Famous Christian Musician in the World, and I'm Still Just a Doofus on a Blog, and People Think We're Pals Because One Time We Did a CD Together, But Really I'm Pretty Sure He's Forgotten My Name Even Though He Once Borrowed One of My Shirts To Go Out On a Date, So Now There's No Way I Can Exploit Our Former Friendship For My Own Gain, Which Sucks Royally

or, my personal favorite
That Time that Grassroots Sold Several Thousand Dollars Worth of My CD's Only to Go Bankrupt Before Paying Me

I'm still working out the kinks in some of those titles.

Anyway, when I'm really in my sanest place and walking in the Spirit, these stories make me laugh, and then I usually feel like a moron for even complaining at all, when lots of people in the world never get to have such a cool job like me.

I guess, if nothing else, I can hope for the day when Christian Music is cool enough that it will have it's own VH-1 type channel, and maybe they'll have a show that could feature me and a bunch of other sad wanna-bes and never-wases. The show could be called "Have You Ever Wondered Who Wrote that One Song That Lots of People Heard But Nobody Had Any Idea Who Wrote?"

I'm still working out the kinks in the title.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Here's where I find out if you people really love me

Sometimes I find that really twisted and unnecessary things run thru my head. I’m not happy about it. But it is what it is.

Case in point: Last night I got to thinking that, if I was bound and determined to be a social misfit, I could easily accomplish it by sabotaging conversations every chance I got. I could just start talking with someone about whatever, and then just as things started getting interesting, I could drop a bomb that would end everything right there in a tsunami of awkwardness and oddity. I wouldn’t even have to cuss or scream. I could speak in an absolutely calm and quiet voice (that might even make it better), but with a few choice words, I could abruptly interject my little deviant thoughts, ruining any chance for further dialogue.

I’d have to spend a lot of time apologizing and stuff, and even then I’d probably lose tons of friends and probably my career. It would be really terrible.

I told you it was twisted and unnecessary, didn’t I? But it still made me laugh. So I thought I’d share. I'm a little nervous, because this might be a little too weird for some of you. Oh well, what's life without a few risks.

Here you go…

20 things you can say, at any time at all, that will ruin any conversation (and most friendships):

1. Do you know what your problem is?

2. I’m sorry, I haven’t been listening to anything you’ve been saying.

3. You have really aged poorly, haven’t you?

4. Oh yeah, I’d expect someone like you to say that.

5. That’s so cute the way you’re all na├»ve and ignorant about stuff.

6. If I fart right now, will you forgive me? Oops, too late.

7. How’s your little career thing going?

8. Can I eat the rest of your food?

9. Are you sure you’re saved? Really sure?

10. Out of all of our friends, who do you think has the ugliest kids?

11. You would not believe what I just left in that bathroom. High five!

12. Whoa there, tough guy. Settle down before you get all sweaty and worked up.

13. Are you a boy or a girl?

14. No, seriously, you’re way older than that.

15. I almost just beat you up just then. You are so lucky.

16. Wow, your wife is a lot prettier than mine. Seriously, wow.

17. How much money did your outfit cost?

18. Would you mind washing your hands again? They don’t seem clean to me.

19. You have got to smell my armpits.

20. Oh, you thought we were friends? Bless your heart.

Yeah, that's the best thing I can think of to blog about right now. I'm telling you, it's a good thing I've got Jesus in my heart and all, because I'm a pretty messed up dude. This may be the low point of the blog. But if you people really love me, you will endure in your readership, accepting me as I am.

And if not, you may find yourself in an awkward conversation with me someday real soon.

High five.

Monday, July 28, 2008

My job...

... rules sometimes.

For example, see my wife's latest post about our recent "work" trip to the beach.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Despite my noble and heartfelt efforts...

...people still don't know how to talk.

It started innocently enough, with a well-intentioned -- but cluttered and somewhat confusing -- little phrase that many of us seemed forced to utter from time to time:

"What it is, is..."

I understand. Really, I do. They're wanting to know what it is, and we want them to know that we hear them asking what it is, and we really want to tell them what it is. So it just seems necessary to say "is" twice, right there in a row like that. It's a conundrum, I agree. No hard feelings. Let's move on. No need to dwell on the past.

But then something happened. We apparently got really used to saying "is" twice in a row like that. We started thinking that every time we said "is," once wasn't enough. It seemed to us, in our moronic, linguistically-challenged ignorance, that "is" was no longer a strong enough word to merely utter once. If we want to tell people what something is, we have to say "is, is."

And so we find ourselves here:

"But the reality is, is that..."

People, listen to me. This is stupid. Stop. Public speakers, preachers, especially. You're the main culprits here. Pace yourselves. Don't throw out unnecessary is's. I know you're always wanting to tell us what the reality is. I appreciate that. This is your bread-and-butter. First you tell us how crazy and dumb some widely held belief is (and we all try to pretend that none of us hold to that crazy-dumb belief, even though we so do). Then you tell us What the Reality Is. This is your big moment.

"But the reality is..." Cue dramatic music, every head bowed, blah blah blah.

But you get so excited, and you forget something; something very simple: The reality simply is. The reality isn't is is.

I think this might be Clinton's fault. I mean, W butchers some serious words, but it was Slick Willie who first called into question the meaning of "is." I mean, who could blame the poor man, at a time like that, all caught with his pants down and such.

But hey, however we got there, I don't care. I'm not here to dwell on the past. I'm not concerned with was. I'm concerned with is.

The reality is that people don't know how to talk. But don't worry. I'm here to help.

Also, I write songs too as well.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

I used to have a blog where I, like, posted and stuff

Sorry for the long absence. Hopefully I'll feel chatty this week. I've got some pseudo-interesting things to tell you about, but I'm a moody fellow, as many of you know, so we'll see.

In the meantime, here are some pics from my concert at Royer's Round Top Cafe last month.

That's me rockin' the acoustical guitar. Duh.

That's Michael holding down the 2 and 4; maybe a few smooth ghost notes; perhaps a li'l syncopationary goodness.

Tasty desserts were served. From the photo, it would appear that we were mad at the pie. We weren't.

I like this photo because it looks like I'm reaching for booze.

This is Matt Chauvin, a friend from college and easily one of the kindest, most genuinely joyful persons I've ever known. If more pastors were like Matt, the church of America would be as beloved as Barack Obama, or at least as popular as that idiot who does all the impersonations on the Dish Network commercials. Matt helped host/organize the show.

This is most of the Royer's clan, plus me, Staci, Michael, and a few friends.