Here's where I find out if you people really love me

Sometimes I find that really twisted and unnecessary things run thru my head. I’m not happy about it. But it is what it is.

Case in point: Last night I got to thinking that, if I was bound and determined to be a social misfit, I could easily accomplish it by sabotaging conversations every chance I got. I could just start talking with someone about whatever, and then just as things started getting interesting, I could drop a bomb that would end everything right there in a tsunami of awkwardness and oddity. I wouldn’t even have to cuss or scream. I could speak in an absolutely calm and quiet voice (that might even make it better), but with a few choice words, I could abruptly interject my little deviant thoughts, ruining any chance for further dialogue.

I’d have to spend a lot of time apologizing and stuff, and even then I’d probably lose tons of friends and probably my career. It would be really terrible.

I told you it was twisted and unnecessary, didn’t I? But it still made me laugh. So I thought I’d share. I'm a little nervous, because this might be a little too weird for some of you. Oh well, what's life without a few risks.

Here you go…

20 things you can say, at any time at all, that will ruin any conversation (and most friendships):

1. Do you know what your problem is?

2. I’m sorry, I haven’t been listening to anything you’ve been saying.

3. You have really aged poorly, haven’t you?

4. Oh yeah, I’d expect someone like you to say that.

5. That’s so cute the way you’re all naïve and ignorant about stuff.

6. If I fart right now, will you forgive me? Oops, too late.

7. How’s your little career thing going?

8. Can I eat the rest of your food?

9. Are you sure you’re saved? Really sure?

10. Out of all of our friends, who do you think has the ugliest kids?

11. You would not believe what I just left in that bathroom. High five!

12. Whoa there, tough guy. Settle down before you get all sweaty and worked up.

13. Are you a boy or a girl?

14. No, seriously, you’re way older than that.

15. I almost just beat you up just then. You are so lucky.

16. Wow, your wife is a lot prettier than mine. Seriously, wow.

17. How much money did your outfit cost?

18. Would you mind washing your hands again? They don’t seem clean to me.

19. You have got to smell my armpits.

20. Oh, you thought we were friends? Bless your heart.


Yeah, that's the best thing I can think of to blog about right now. I'm telling you, it's a good thing I've got Jesus in my heart and all, because I'm a pretty messed up dude. This may be the low point of the blog. But if you people really love me, you will endure in your readership, accepting me as I am.

And if not, you may find yourself in an awkward conversation with me someday real soon.

High five.

My job...

... rules sometimes.

For example, see my wife's latest post about our recent "work" trip to the beach.

Despite my noble and heartfelt efforts...

...people still don't know how to talk.

It started innocently enough, with a well-intentioned -- but cluttered and somewhat confusing -- little phrase that many of us seemed forced to utter from time to time:

"What it is, is..."

I understand. Really, I do. They're wanting to know what it is, and we want them to know that we hear them asking what it is, and we really want to tell them what it is. So it just seems necessary to say "is" twice, right there in a row like that. It's a conundrum, I agree. No hard feelings. Let's move on. No need to dwell on the past.

But then something happened. We apparently got really used to saying "is" twice in a row like that. We started thinking that every time we said "is," once wasn't enough. It seemed to us, in our moronic, linguistically-challenged ignorance, that "is" was no longer a strong enough word to merely utter once. If we want to tell people what something is, we have to say "is, is."

And so we find ourselves here:

"But the reality is, is that..."

People, listen to me. This is stupid. Stop. Public speakers, preachers, especially. You're the main culprits here. Pace yourselves. Don't throw out unnecessary is's. I know you're always wanting to tell us what the reality is. I appreciate that. This is your bread-and-butter. First you tell us how crazy and dumb some widely held belief is (and we all try to pretend that none of us hold to that crazy-dumb belief, even though we so do). Then you tell us What the Reality Is. This is your big moment.

"But the reality is..." Cue dramatic music, every head bowed, blah blah blah.

But you get so excited, and you forget something; something very simple: The reality simply is. The reality isn't is is.

I think this might be Clinton's fault. I mean, W butchers some serious words, but it was Slick Willie who first called into question the meaning of "is." I mean, who could blame the poor man, at a time like that, all caught with his pants down and such.

But hey, however we got there, I don't care. I'm not here to dwell on the past. I'm not concerned with was. I'm concerned with is.

The reality is that people don't know how to talk. But don't worry. I'm here to help.

Also, I write songs too as well.

I used to have a blog where I, like, posted and stuff

Sorry for the long absence. Hopefully I'll feel chatty this week. I've got some pseudo-interesting things to tell you about, but I'm a moody fellow, as many of you know, so we'll see.

In the meantime, here are some pics from my concert at Royer's Round Top Cafe last month.

That's me rockin' the acoustical guitar. Duh.

That's Michael holding down the 2 and 4; maybe a few smooth ghost notes; perhaps a li'l syncopationary goodness.

Tasty desserts were served. From the photo, it would appear that we were mad at the pie. We weren't.

I like this photo because it looks like I'm reaching for booze.

This is Matt Chauvin, a friend from college and easily one of the kindest, most genuinely joyful persons I've ever known. If more pastors were like Matt, the church of America would be as beloved as Barack Obama, or at least as popular as that idiot who does all the impersonations on the Dish Network commercials. Matt helped host/organize the show.

This is most of the Royer's clan, plus me, Staci, Michael, and a few friends.

Various

I've had some great shows lately that I haven't had a chance to post about.

About a month ago (yeah, I'm kind of behind), I did two shows in San Antonio. Big thanks to my pals Darrell Smith and AJ Navarro, who played along with me at both shows. And thanks to New Heights Church, for hosting, helping, etc.

And last Wednesday, Michael Steele joined me for a really fun show at Royer's Cafe in Round Top, TX. Royer's is -- literally -- a world-famous restaurant with fantastic food. It was a very fun and blessed evening. Big thanks to Matt Chauvin and Tara (Royer) Steele for putting the event together. Also, I was blessed that evening to meet Jim Arruebarrena, who claims to be a long-time fan. Jim is battling (and beating!) cancer, so we swapped stories and praised God for victory, miracles, and the Body of Christ. Go read about Jim -- and write him an encouraging note -- on his Caring Bridge site.

Speaking of people kicking cancer in the shins and making it wear a baby doll dress while everybody points fingers and laughs, my brother is about ONE WEEK away from being done with his chemo and radiation. To put it mildly, he is miserable -- physically, emotionally, and otherwise -- and eager to be done. Here's what I'm asking. Everybody who reads this and has a heart (that's nearly all of you, I think) needs to go here and write him a "press on" kind of note. Or write a prayer that you -- and everybody who reads it -- can be praying together as my brother finishes well. This is a relatively easy thing that you can do that will be a huge blessing to someone in need. Everybody is always looking for opportunities like that. I'm handing you one.

Finally, I have a house show this weekend in New Boston, TX. If anyone is interested, let me know.

Still taking that break

Too busy to blog. I know it's hard to imagine, but I swear it's true. However, my wife blogged here about our super-awesome vacation to Tahoe, so if you're really dying (and I know you are) for some scoop on the King family, go read about it.

More later...

Taking a break

Lots of stuff going on right now. I'll blog about it as soon as I can. Too busy to blog about it now. But I promise to have one of my best stories ever when I finally get a chance to write about this.

Staci and I are headed to Austin for the weekend, to be with her family, and then we're leaving on Monday for a trip to Lake Tahoe, to celebrate 10 years of marriage. Time flies when you're married to a foxy lady.

I've got a crazy, busy summer ahead. I'll report back soon.