Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Here's where I find out if you people really love me

Sometimes I find that really twisted and unnecessary things run thru my head. I’m not happy about it. But it is what it is.

Case in point: Last night I got to thinking that, if I was bound and determined to be a social misfit, I could easily accomplish it by sabotaging conversations every chance I got. I could just start talking with someone about whatever, and then just as things started getting interesting, I could drop a bomb that would end everything right there in a tsunami of awkwardness and oddity. I wouldn’t even have to cuss or scream. I could speak in an absolutely calm and quiet voice (that might even make it better), but with a few choice words, I could abruptly interject my little deviant thoughts, ruining any chance for further dialogue.

I’d have to spend a lot of time apologizing and stuff, and even then I’d probably lose tons of friends and probably my career. It would be really terrible.

I told you it was twisted and unnecessary, didn’t I? But it still made me laugh. So I thought I’d share. I'm a little nervous, because this might be a little too weird for some of you. Oh well, what's life without a few risks.

Here you go…

20 things you can say, at any time at all, that will ruin any conversation (and most friendships):

1. Do you know what your problem is?

2. I’m sorry, I haven’t been listening to anything you’ve been saying.

3. You have really aged poorly, haven’t you?

4. Oh yeah, I’d expect someone like you to say that.

5. That’s so cute the way you’re all naïve and ignorant about stuff.

6. If I fart right now, will you forgive me? Oops, too late.

7. How’s your little career thing going?

8. Can I eat the rest of your food?

9. Are you sure you’re saved? Really sure?

10. Out of all of our friends, who do you think has the ugliest kids?

11. You would not believe what I just left in that bathroom. High five!

12. Whoa there, tough guy. Settle down before you get all sweaty and worked up.

13. Are you a boy or a girl?

14. No, seriously, you’re way older than that.

15. I almost just beat you up just then. You are so lucky.

16. Wow, your wife is a lot prettier than mine. Seriously, wow.

17. How much money did your outfit cost?

18. Would you mind washing your hands again? They don’t seem clean to me.

19. You have got to smell my armpits.

20. Oh, you thought we were friends? Bless your heart.

Yeah, that's the best thing I can think of to blog about right now. I'm telling you, it's a good thing I've got Jesus in my heart and all, because I'm a pretty messed up dude. This may be the low point of the blog. But if you people really love me, you will endure in your readership, accepting me as I am.

And if not, you may find yourself in an awkward conversation with me someday real soon.

High five.


Robert said...

Is it sad that I've heard 75% of those? What does that mean? Am I around some twisted people or are my friends trying to end our friendship.

Thanks Ross, now I'm paranoid.

ari said...

I don't think it's weird for you to post this. I think it's weird that you've been listening in on Brandon's conversations. He always tells me how often he is told number 16. He usually responds with number 15. We still love you and are very glad you have Jesus in your heart and all.

Daniel said...

Ross, I've experienced no. 11 first hand. You even described the corn to us.

You, for good reason have used nos. 1, 6, and 19 in conversation with me.

With? Around? Maybe it was just you and sherril* talking and, in my delusional fanboyism, I construed myself as part of your world. It's possible. A guy's gotta have aspirations! Right?

Regardless, I'm still totally "in like" with you. Sorta. I think.

Until number 8. You try to eat my food and it's war.

*2r's 2l's, 4 of each, can never remember. John knows who he is...

Johnny! said...

A lot of those are too obvious. You want to kill a conversation and leave your...opponent an uncomfortable mess, you have to be more subtle.

Work in "colored," (or "whitey" if you're darker hued). Quote Stalin, favorably. Allude to conspiracy theories as if you believe them--"Well, we all know that's because the Masons run everything."

I do this all the time when I talk to colored folks about the Illuminati. Remember, "to make an omelette you have to break a few eggs."

rk said...

As the founder and patriarch of the RossKingWorldTour family (a multi-colored bunch), I have to officially declare that I'm above the kind of antics that Johnny is proposing.

Unofficially, I have to say that he is better at ruining conversations than I'll ever be.

Michael said...

I would actually prefer you to start saying #6 rather than the alternative that I usually get.


Todd Wright said...

There seems to be a theme here...that this is no hypothetical list, but rather things Ross only tends to say to his "friends."

Lauri Hahn said...

What does it mean if I've heard no less than 7 from one person?

Plus, this one to a completely undeserving (no, really!) lady at a gas station, "Excuse me, are you a hooker?"

Your daydreams of shock & awe are comin' true right here in my precinct.

Laurie said...

All very funny.

However, you forgot to add, from your famous song titled "Foot In My Mouth", "When's the baby due??"

I don't think your weird for posting this, then again many years ago I lived through several trips to youth functions and summer camp in Central's oh so cool silver vans with the red vinyl seats, listening to the lengthy discussions of alternative uses for cheese graters. OUCH!

Still very funny! Your friend Johnny, very funny as well!

As for the so-called low point of your blog.......

How about trying some old school video footage of you with the nunchucks? You mentioned quite sometime ago that there was no such video of this.... Oh so very wrong. I know somewhere in all of my VHS tapes is one with the nunchukkas, a Doan's pill commercial and an excellent Rick Springfield like lip-synch of Petra's "God Gave Rock and Roll To You". I believe we were all in seventh or eighth grade.

YouTube look out!!

Actually I have no idea how to convert VHS to YouTube so if I can find the tape you are welcome to it! I bet that Staci, Sam and Jude would love it!

Todd Wright said...

I'm sorry...did she just say she had VHS of Ross doing karate AND lip-syncing Petra?

Laurie, I am totally able to convert VHS to YouTube friendly files and if you can find that tape, I will be more than happy to do it.