Making space for the One who deserves it and all that nonsense

OK, so here’s something you didn’t know. It's long, but I don’t think it will be boring.

I was in Haiti, on the mission trip that I’ve talked about a few times already. The furthest thing from my mind was how I can make big money in my music career. I mean, I love me some money and I love me some me, so that sort of thing is always wandering around in the back room of my brain, but when you’re in the second poorest country in the world handing out de-worming pills to orphans, your mind tends to exist on a higher plane.

So I get this email. We had wi-fi there, believe it or not, and we usually had time to check it once or twice a day. Anyway, the email is from this lady who says she represents the lead singer of a hugely successful Christian band (she tells me which one, but I ain’t telling you because I don’t want to get into trouble later; I know that probably makes it seem like I’m lying, but honestly, after this many years of crazy stories, you think I really have time or energy to make this kind of thing up?). She says this lead singer fellow – we’ll call him Willie, only because it would be even cooler if this story was about Willie Nelson, even though it’s not – wants to talk with me about something. She doesn’t say what.

Believe it or not, I didn’t pee my britches right then and there and beg her to tell him to call me asap. Don’t get me wrong. I was curious, but for some reason I played it cool. Maybe it was the crazy poverty and the orphans and the assault rifles and the other stuff I was bumping into over there, or maybe I just had a rare moment of “some things matter a lot and some things matter a little.” Whatever it was, instead of emailing her back and saying “MY PHONE IS ON AND I’LL BE EAGERLY AWAITING HIS CALL PLEASE TELL HIM I LOVE HIM AND WANT TO HUG HIM TIGHTLY BUT ONLY IN A PLUTONIC WAY!!!” -- instead of that, I just emailed her and said, “tell him I’m in Haiti and I’ll be back in about 8 days and I’d be glad to talk with him then.”

All cool like that. Can you imagine? What was I thinking, right?

So anyway, after I get back to the states, I start getting a little curious. I wonder if Willie is ever going to call.

About a week or so passes, and I start thinking, “I guess that was just a random deal and I’ll never know what it was really about.” Maybe a day after I started thinking that, I get a text from him one afternoon. He’s like, “hey ross, it’s Willie from Huge Christian Band. I’d love to talk. Can you call me?”

He gives me his number and I call him. I’m a little anxious, obviously.

Well, we talk for a bit, and Willie tells me that he was recently at youth camp with his church (I thought that was kind of cool that he went to his church’s youth camp) and somebody plays this video of my song “Clear the Stage.” He says that he really loves the song and that now he’s recording it for his band’s new record, and is that ok with me?

Well, of course, I’m trying not to say “YES IT’S OK WITH ME ARE YOU CRAZY AND ALSO I THINK THIS MEANS I’M GOING TO BE RICH AND MAYBE WE COULD BE BEST FRIENDS AND START CO-WRITING SONGS TOGETHER AND ALSO WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD WEAR TO THE DOVE AWARDS BECAUSE I REALLY WANT TO LOOK BETTER THAN TOBY MAC AND THAT DUDE IS SMOOTHER THAN BUTTERED SNOT SO IT MIGHT BE TOUGH TO LOOK BETTER THAN HIM BUT EITHER WAY OF COURSE YOU CAN RECORD MY SONG AND WHERE DO I SIGN?!?!!”

But I don’t say that, because I have said lots of stupid things in my life and I’m learning to say them less often and never in ALL CAPS. Instead I just say “yeah, that sounds pretty good, Willie.”

Well, things get a little weird and surreal from there. I talk to Willie’s manager on the phone a couple of times; I talk to an entertainment lawyer to make sure I know what to do next; I tell a few of my friends who are totally impressed and already figuring out ways to borrow money from me. Stuff like that.

On a totally serious note, this whole thing sent me into a bit of a dreamland where I start imagining that now, finally, I can write music for a living. Don’t get me wrong. I’m thankful for worship gigs and house concerts and CCLI checks and download sales and all that. Of course I’m thankful for all that. But my passion – my main thing – is that I love to write music. And this seemed like the sort of thing that might give me some leverage in that world. As most of you probably know, I’ve never been a big hit in the mainstream Christian music world, so it’s not like I have ever (at least not in the last several years) really thought I had a shot at making any real money or having any significant influence with those people.

This development seemed to be the beginning of something new. I was surprised, excited, honored, and nervous. But mostly excited.

So it went like that for about 3 weeks. I talked to Willie a couple more times, and he told me how excited he was to have the song on the new record. I tried not to have Pokemon seizures every 17 seconds. You might even say that it was something that I wanted with all my heart; something I couldn’t stop thinking of.

Yeah, now maybe you’re starting to see where this is going.

And then one day Willie calls and says the deal has fallen thru.

The song just doesn’t seem to be coming together the way they want it to. Willie says he just doesn’t feel like he’s able to make it “his” in a way that feels comfortable. So, sorry man. But thanks.

Hang up phone. Pick up pieces of shattered dream from floor. Initiate self-pity.

Now, explain this to me. If fame and fortune and notoriety in the Christian music world are things that I no longer want or care about, why was I so devastated to get that call? Wasn’t I fine before this all happened? Wasn’t my life really great without knowing that Huge Christian Band was recording my song?

Clear the stage indeed.

Anyway, that’s basically the bummer end to the story. For about 3 weeks, I thought I was going to have a little extra money and a lot of extra influence in a culture that I’ve never been able to really break into. And then it went away, as if it was never there in the first place.

I feel fine with it now, in case you're worried. I mean, there are much wors problems in the world. I don't think Haitians complain about their songs not getting recorded by famous people.

Obviously I still would like to know what God was (is) up to. Couldn’t He have just left me alone and not allowed me to get all worked up? I mean, it’s not like I sent my CD out to Nashville and knocked on doors trying to get “discovered” or trying to “make it big.” I’m 37 years old for goodness sakes. I think that window has closed.

And honestly, I’m really fine with that. I used to write songs and hang out a lot with a guy who is arguably the most famous Christian musician on the planet, and I don’t want his life. He’s rich and famous and single. I’m middle class and unknown and I have the greatest, most beautiful family I can imagine. Really, I don’t want his life. I think he's really happy and I'm thrilled that he's out there writing songs that are inspiring (literally) millions -- compared to my hundreds -- of Jesus followers to love God more. But I don't wish I was him. I really don't.

But, for fleeting moments, I do still want – for better or for worse – to write music that has broader impact and deeper influence. I know that’s narrow-minded of me. I know it shows a lack of thankfulness. I know it flies in the face of all that I know about God’s first-shall-be-last and narrow-roads-beat-wide-roads economy.

I know all that. But I’m still working it all out.

Following Jesus is hard. Following Jesus while trying to entertain people for a living is weird.

Just wanted you all to know, because you’re the kind of folks who like to know these kinds of things about my world. Thanks for reading and being so nice and honest and real.

The end.

Epilogue:

Then a couple of weeks after that, I got a sent a contract from some music publishers in Hollywoodland who want to add two of my instrumental songs to their movie-TV-commercials catalog. Yeah, I know, it's weird. Most of you didn’t even know that I write instrumental music. I actually don’t do that much of it. But occasionally I do and sometimes I submit that stuff to various industry people who seem to be interested in such things.

So right as I started feeling really sorry for myself because “nobody appreciates me” and blahblahblah, God gave me a little, random bit of encouragement. At some point, a couple of my songs will be on TV or in a movie. That's pretty cool, right? It’s not much money, and I’ll probably never even see the show or movie or commercial where my songs play, but it’s still kind of cool.

And that brings us to the last thing.

This is for those of you who actually read this far. Way to go, you.

If you want to hear those songs, post a comment on this particular post and give me your email. I’ll email you the mp3’s. Then you can join me in keeping a lookout for my instrumental music on “According to Jim” or “One Tree Hill” or "Project Runway" or wherever it might play. You’ll let me know and then my next blog post will be titled “I’m on TV!”

Only I won’t have to worry about the camera adding 10 pounds. Which is a real relief. Because there’s no way I’d look as cool as Toby Mac at the Doves.