Thursday, November 29, 2007

For a heavy, convicting time, call...

And in the "weirdest news of the week" category, I discovered (with a mixture of self-esteem-boosting glee and awkward-embarassment horror) that you can now have "Clear the Stage" as a ringtone (I refuse to link to it, for reasons I will explain in the following angst-filled rant).

Yeah, this is surely going to be a huge hit. I can see it now. You're out with your best "special friend," having a good time, maybe drinking a perfectly biblical glass of wine, laughing it up, thinking about how much fun it is be out enjoying yourself with a hottie who seems to like you, when, all of a sudden, your phone rings, and you get a little of this action:

"tell your friends that this is where the party ends until you're broken for your sins you can't be social..."

So, of course, you take the call, but it doesn't really matter who it is. Cause you gotta turn to your sweetie and be all like,

"I, uh... I think I better go. I mean, I'm probably not as broken for my sins as I should be, ya know? So I guess this is where the party ends."

Or maybe you're at home, watching some Aggie basketball (or choose your favorite sports team, I don't care) on your plasma screen with some of your friends, eating some Cheez-its, maybe throwing back your 3rd Dr Pepper. You're just thinking about how much you love snack food, caffiene, and sports. I mean, none of these "loves" are especially valuable to the Kingdom or anything, but it's not like they hurt anybody, right?


You should've turned off that phone, my friend, because just as you're starting to get a little too into the game; just as you're starting to wonder if maybe you really need that Dr Pepper a little more than you should, your buddy Ross comes crooning across the phone lines, blessing you with a little bit of...

"Take a break from all the plans that you have made and sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper..."

Kind of hard to hear God whispering with all those friends around, crunching their Cheez-its and slurping their beverages and cheering the game.

And don't let it ring too long, or you may even have to deal with this lyrical buzzkill:

"Anything I want with all my heart is an idol..."

And you sho be lovin' that plasma screen HD, especialy with your caffeine-and-sugar buzz on. Hello? Idols, anyone?
I urge you, friends, do not download this ringtone. You will not be helping anyone. Not me, not your friends, not yourself. You want some Beyonce for a ringtone? Maybe a little Kanye? Maroon 5? How about some Tim McGraw or Rascal Flatts? All good choices for ringtones.

But not "Clear the Stage."

Oh, and one other thing. Do not download this ringtone. I'm serious.
Have I made that clear thru jokes? If not, I'll make it clear thru not-funny boycott talk.

I actually don't get any money from it anyway. Yeah, how about that?
It's being sold by Grassroots, who got that song as part of a compilation that I agreed to be on for promotional purposes. These people are actually taking the exact same song (the exact same recording of the song) that's on my And All the Decorations Too record and selling it thru their compilation. Don't get me started. When they sell "Clear the Stage," as a song or as a (I still can't believe I have to even type this word) ringtone, they keep all the money. If you download it from And All the Decorations Too then I make money. But I ain't selling no ringtones, kids. For obvious reasons.


Shane said...

Thanks for warning me before the Cowboys play the Packers tonight

this is funny!

Alex Burdine said...

Ross, be honest...are you just mad you didn't think of it first?



Lauri Hahn said...

I'd have laughed but I think you're serious about busting up G-rated snack parties & breaking dates with hotties.

I think you're in cohouts with the Big Man and somehow satisfied that we're all sent to our knees thanks to YOU and your reality check/Ode To Merlot whether it's on a CD or on a cellphone.

Johnny! said...

"Grassroots." Grassroots hasn't existed for years.

Too bad there's not a way to reverse ringtone them with Max McLean reading from the Law about workers and wages. Oh, wait, they're "under grace" and all that hoo-hah.

I'm pretty pissed on your behalf, bro.

Todd Wright said...

What a simultaneously hilarious and heartbreaking post...